When you end a “relationship” with a narcissist, he or she will try to make your life a living hell by using “emotional blackmail”. The intent is to convince you that returning to him or her will make your life better. However, do not forget that the narcissist is the source of the upheaval, and was manipulative in the “relationship” and is still trying to manipulate you. In addition, his or her actions are disrespectful to you and is being done out of selfishness instead of love. Keep in mind that those are some of the reasons why you may have left the “relationship” to begin with. As a result, everything the narcissist does in an attempt to pull you back into the toxic relationship should strengthen your resolve to stay away from that person. The harder the narcissist tries to “hoover” you back in is the further away you should get. Let every evil deed serve as a reminder of the narcissist’s true colors, which is why you left and should never return. Also, the narcissistic attacks serve as evidence that it is the narcissist whose life is miserable without your presence instead of you needing the narcissist in your life. The narcissist needs you but you don’t need him or her, which is a part of the reason why it is easier for you to go “no-contact”. Given time and space you will discover that your life is much better without the narcissist, and the narcissist hates when you are happy (as was the case when you were “together”).
A person who loves you would not try to hurt you, to include by trying to overtly or covertly destroy your relationship with others, which is a narcissistic ploy to try to isolate you… By the way, do not fall for the ridiculous line of reasoning if you witness someone trying to destroy another person’s life while claiming he or she is fighting for love. You should be able to tell that what the person is packaging as being cute is actually creepy. It is a very telling sign when a person cannot see that his or her attempts to get someone back is backfiring.
A person who does not respect your boundaries does not respect you, and there is a strong correlation between love and respect. Moreover, and for some people this may be very difficult, forgive the narcissist for everything. You become better and let the narcissist seethe in his or her bitterness. Forgiveness is like washing yourself clean after a narcissist tries to defile you. Forgiveness is not about forgetting what the narcissist has done, and most certainly, it is not about reconciling with a narcissist. Forgiveness allows you to cut the umbilical cord between you and the narcissist, and more importantly, to reconcile your relationship with God. When your relationship with the Lord is in good standing then the narcissist lives in enmity with God. Live at peace with your enemies yet don’t let them get within striking distance of you. Please keep the following in mind regarding your enemies and forgiveness:
- ‘For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ ~ Jesus (Matthew 6:14-15 (KJV)
- “Then came Peter to Him, and said, ‘Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?’ Jesus saith unto him, ‘I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.’” ~ Matthew 18:21-22 (KJV) Please, don’t keep track of how many times you have forgiven someone, especially a narcissist. In addition to the previous example, the Lord provided the following insight on handling situations that require forgiveness. “Then said He unto the disciples, ‘It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come! It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.’” ~ Luke 17:1-4 (KJV) Don’t spend time rebuking a narcissist every time he or she violates a boundary, or at least tries. A narcissist will do some unfathomable things in an effort to consume your time and attention. A narcissist does not respect boundaries, and neither does he or she have boundaries regarding how far he or she will go to meet an objective. He or she will even use the name and/or Word of God to manipulate you, just like the devil (Genesis 3, Luke 4:1-13). A narcissist is also a liar so he or she may engage in false repentance in an effort to lure you back in. Your best bet is to simply forgive the narcissist and move on. It may have seemed odd that people knowingly persecuted Jesus and had Him nailed to the cross, yet He said, ‘Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.’ ~ Luke 23:34 (KJV) It seemed as if they knew exactly what they were doing, especially considering that they had spent time plotting how to do it. Despite how much time and effort a narcissist spends trying to destroy you, the narcissist does not know he or she is actually destroying him or herself. Can you imagine being one of Christ’s persecutors and having to stand before Him on judgment day? The same goes for king Saul who spent years of his life persecuting David. When you study that story, you will see how many times Saul falsely repented, promising to leave David alone but would go back to pursuing David as if he were addicted. Moreover, every time Saul went after David he was putting himself at greater enmity with the Lord, until it got to the point where the Lord stopped communicating with Saul as his day of destruction drew near (1 Samuel 28). Galatians 6:7-8 is not the only Scripture that speaks about people reaping what they have sown. This is among many Scriptures that speaks to a narcissist’s fate, ‘…the day of theLord is near upon all the heathen: as thou hast done, it shall be done unto thee: thy reward shall return upon thine own head.’ ~ Obadiah 15 (KJV)
- “When a man’s ways please theLord, He maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.” ~ Proverbs 16:7 (KJV) However, that does not mean you will or should become friends with your enemies. So, do not let a narcissist deceive by saying, “Let’s just be friends.” That is a covert way for a narcissist to maintain a foothold in your life. Narcissists do not respect boundaries, to include legal ones, so you have to vigilantly enforce and reinforce your boundaries with a narcissist. That includes if/when he or she accuses you of being unforgiving because you refuse to maintain a relationship with him or her. Again, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You know how a narcissist causes confusion and loves to (try to) disturb your peace. Remember, “…God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…” ~ 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV) It is good to have friends, but a friend will not try to destroy you and/or your relationship with the Lord. If possible, your best bet is to avoid all contact with a narcissist, and his or her family and friends. If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, limit contact and compartmentalize your relationship…
- Jesus said, ‘Ye have heard that it hath been said, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.’ But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.’ ~ Matthew 5:43-48 (KJV)
I was inspired to say a whole lot more than I thought, which is how things usually work out anyhow. In closing, never forget that a narcissist is an insidious enemy, one who is constantly seeking ways to control you, to include by using fear, obligation, and/or guilt to get you to maintain some form of relationship with him or her. Even though not always physically abusive, at a minimum, a narcissist is mentally abusive, which is harder to discern, even when being initially subjected to it. But that is a part of how the narcissist gains “narcissistic supply”. It is thrilling for a narcissist to do things, especially in plain sight, and get away with it. However, despite a narcissist’s destructive behavior, forgive him or her, and remember that forgiveness does not mean reconciling. You cannot reconcile a “relationship” with someone who has not changed, especially when the person is trying to lure you back in, get you under his or her control, and then punish you. I exhort you, “Lest satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.” ~ 2 Corinthians 2:11 (KJV)
P.S. Please note that I use both genders when referring to narcissists. Many people erroneously believe that only women suffer abuse at the hands of a narcissist. But some women are narcissists too. Many men have suffered narcissistic abuse from their mothers and/or women they have been in relationships with, to include professional and platonic relationships. I can testify that I have had several encounters with narcissistic women, before I truly knew what narcissism was. You may have read the things I wrote in 2016 regarding narcissism and thought I was finished, as did I. But I recently received a testimony from a man who reached out to me and it reignited the fire in me to keep addressing the issue. I commend him for that because men who have suffered or are suffering abuse typically suffer in silence. When many people hear about someone being in an abusive relationship, they usually look at the man as being the abuser. The Lord has used that man to inspire me to address the spirit of narcissism in accordance with Ephesians 6:12. There is one thing the Lord and the devil knows about me is that I will speak up, even when people don’t listen. Sadly, many people who are experiencing narcissistic abuse usually feel as if their plight is unseen and unheard…
Social Aloe Ministries: “Glorifying God. Exposing the devil.”