I do not share every “inspired thought” that I have. Moreover, when I share some of those thoughts, it may take a while for me to do so. The following epitomizes that because it has been “marinating” for three years (since 2014), which is like many of the unpublished (book) manuscripts that I have. However, I am sure that as I knock the virtual dust off this article before I present it to you, the Lord will have some revisions for me to make.
Relationships, or potential relationships, tend to get complicated when people do not say what they mean or mean what they say. The following is meant to help to decode what a person may truly be conveying in a relational construct.
In 2014, I posted something on my Kollin L. Taylor Facebook page that weighed heavily on my mind. The post was about coping with breakups; the oftentimes dreaded end to a relationship, especially one laden with a heavy investment of one’s time, efforts, and emotions. I do not believe we can make someone fall in love with us, but it only takes one thing to fall in love. In addition, that one thing gives us a reason to hold on and overlook or accept the other things that may not be very appealing. After all, love is about acceptance because no one is perfect, not even you. In God’s infinite wisdom, the one thing that attracts some people may be the very thing that repels others; it may cause you to get your heart broken yet it will save you from heartaches.
Regrettably, sometimes the “one thing” is because of a person’s perceived, contrived, or actual potential versus his/her performance. Many people have invested way too much time waiting for a person’s potential to become the desired performance. Oftentimes, that becomes a part of the recipe for disaster. While one person is fully vested into the relationship, the other person is not committed at all. So while one person is strapped into the “relationship” and willing to go full speed ahead, the other person is coasting with his/her foot on the brakes, seatbelt unbuckled, with the door partially open and ready to bail out. Many “relationships” have come to an abrupt end, but one person is still strapped into the passenger seat of that vehicle, rapidly going downhill, but refuses to acknowledge that the ride is over.
Before you find yourself riding solo in a “relationship”, to include one where the person is present in body only, let us open our eyes to the reality of the situation before the “vehicle” crashes and burns.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – That may be a very accurate statement, especially if you loved and accepted the person for who he/she truly is, and you were fully vested. So, now it should be more obvious than ever that the feeling was not mutual, and neither is the level of commitment. This may be an excuse because he/she wants out of the relationship, but it is not necessarily because there is someone else. You may want to become a detective and find out why the person wants to leave, “for the sake of closure”, but it really does not matter why the person wants to leave. When a person wants to leave, step aside and let the person go. The time to dig into issues is if the person wants to return, that is the time for full disclosure because you cannot rebuild a relationship on a broken foundation. Sometimes a person leaves under this guise because of insecurities… But let me address the elephant in the room by saying that sometimes the issue is you. The person says, “It’s not you, it’s me” in an effort to preserve your dignity. In addition, the way you respond will prove whether the main issue was with you or the person. If you cannot stay on the high road during a breakup, if the issue was not with you, it most certainly is now. Your desire to fight for the relationship may backfire. Even if the person has been deceived into leaving the relationship, fighting for the relationship may put you at enmity with your former partner. Your efforts to help may come across as you being controlling. Take notes from the story of the father in the story of the prodigal son. He let his son go and allowed him to come to his senses, even if it meant losing his son forever (Luke 15:11-32). Sometimes when you let a person go, he/she may realize that it is best to return to be with you. But other times one or both of you may accept the fact that it was best for you to go your separate ways. When a person says, “It’s not you, it’s me”, your reaction will either substantiate or disprove it.
“I’m not ready for a (committed) relationship…” – Sometimes this truly is the case, especially if the person initially stated it and then ended the relationship when things started getting too serious. It will not matter if you think you are God’s gift to the world if the person you desire is not ready to be in a (committed) relationship. Thinking someone will take down their walls or succumb to your God-given gifts can send you into a corner licking your wounds. Then there are times when the person is not ready for or wants to be in a relationship with you. You may find this out the hard way when the person leaves you and starts “hanging out” with someone else. I say “hanging out” because sometimes people are in a platonic relationship so it does not necessarily mean you were dumped for someone else. There are times when a person knows that being with you means that marriage is inevitable, and he/she is imply not ready for marriage and loves you enough to let you go.
Sadly, some people have had their heart broken when a person says he/she was not ready for a committed relationship then marries someone else within 6 months. Keep in mind that you are God’s gift to someone but not to everyone. A sign of maturity is to be happy for them and their marriage. A relationship will either work or it won’t. Many people are trying to force a relationship to work when it is best to part ways and work things out with someone better suited. One of the leading causes of divorce is an ill-advised marriage. It is never a good thing to try to force someone to be with you. In addition, you will inevitably devalue yourself while trying to prove your value to another. Rather than trying give yourself as an unwelcomed gift to another person, give that person the gift of goodbye instead. Do not bind yourself to someone who is not bound to you. If you do, your heart will get thrown down the jagged slopes like the Dolomite Mountains that I’ll refer to as “Heartbreak Ridge”.
“I don’t want to ruin the friendship.” – Dating does not ruin friendships, immaturity does. There are relationships that ended badly, but because there was a foundation of friendship, those individuals rekindled that friendship. Some gave up on ever trying to have a romantic relationship, while others matured and may have gotten married later in life. While some friendships can turn into a romantic relationship, some people were simply meant to be friends and absolutely nothing beyond that. Do not exceed a boundary you were never meant to cross, and if you do, simply get back behind the line because it does not have to invalidate the friendship. By the way, I find it interesting that some people do not want to ruin a friendship by getting into a relationship. However, some of the most rewarding relationships are those where the partners say they are married to their best friend. Whatever position you are in, do not exceed a boundary you were never meant to cross. Do not try to turn a friend into a spouse when you were never meant to be in a romantic relationship. And please, do not call yourself a friend if you would block that person from being in a relationship with someone else because you do not want to lose the friendship. Or worse, you have secret feelings for your friend and you do not want him/her to be (happy) with someone else. Those kinds of things ruin friendships.
“Let’s just be friends.” – This is great until your former partner is no longer friendly because all communications have ceased. Sure, there are friends that you may not have heard from in years, yet, when you see each other again, or communicate, it is like you pick up right where you left off. But it is another thing when the person deletes you from his/her contact list, blocks you, etc. By the way, and I should not have to say this, yet I must, you have crossed the line if someone blocks you so you resort to using another account to reach the person. It is even more egregious if you knowingly create a pseudo-account, or worse, pseudo-accounts, in response to being blocked and you insist on trying to be a part of that person’s life. Do not expect a former partner to want to be your friend when you resort to such craziness. Also, the person certainly will not want to rekindle a relationship with you when you DEMONstrate that you want to have them embroiled in a situation that is a crazy mess. Some relationships end but the former partners remain friends, which in some cases can help with recovering from being heartbroken. It takes maturity to remain friends with an “ex”. Sometimes the best course of action is no contact, either because of the crazy mess or maintaining contact the person would simply delay healing. However, it is another story to say, “Let’s just be friends”, when you don’t want to be friends at all. Be honest with yourself, and each other, say what you mean and mean what you say.
“I want to be ‘young, wild, and free.’” – Let me break this down individually. Being young does not only apply to those who are under 30 for example. It also applies to someone who may have gotten married at 20, got divorced at 40, and feels like he/she missed out on something while being “tied down” in a relationship. However, one thing about life is that tomorrow is not guaranteed. A person may decide to eventually settle down at around age 35 but pass away at 34. Or, the incredible opportunities they had earlier in life are now met with “all the good ones are taken”. So rather than having a seemingly unlimited choice of who to be in a relationship with, the dating pool is left with “slim pickings”. It is worthy to note that if a person has just gotten divorced, that person may need time to heal before even entertaining the thought of dating. Don’t try to awaken a person’s love before the individual is ready (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).
We all need to enjoy life, but even solitary big cats have seasons when they desire companionship. By the way, the wild also has a lot of fleas. When people want to be wild they may get more than they bargained for.
I hope it is not just me, but I do not equate being in the right relationship with being in prison. On the other hand, being with the wrong person, now that is another story. I know there are some people who have to check in with their partner frequently or keep the “GPS” enabled. That is a relationship with a lack of trust. I am not a fool because I know there are cases where the trust that may have been given was lost. That is an issue for another time. However, let me say that if you cheated on your partner, you have to submit to extra measures to regain that person’s lost trust… The one thing all relationships have is the freedom to choose. You are free to choose and pay the price for your choices. Sometimes the price is actually a reward in the form of love. In other cases, the price for your decisions may include a visit to the health clinic, a paternity suit, divorce, etc. A relationship is not about being in bondage. It is about two people who are bonded by love, who are free to leave but choose to stay, and they work as individuals and as a team to elevate each other. Maybe I am idealistic, but a good relationship does not enslave us, it liberates us. The right relationship will bring out the best in you, and that is freedom.
“God said you’re my husband/wife.” – One of the most important decisions you will make in your life is who to marry. The Lord is the world’s best matchmaker so I highly recommend that you go with His choice of a spouse for you. However, you have to ensure you are hearing from the Lord regarding a potential spouse or it could be disastrous. I personally know of people who received such a revelation from the Lord, one of the couples has been married for 41 years. But I also personally know of people who were either deceived or blatantly lied while using the Lord’s name to advance a personal agenda.
When the Lord gives such a revelation, He will bring it to pass. One of the telltale signs that a potential relationship is not of the Lord is when one or both individuals are forcing the relationship to work. It gets even more obvious when one of the individuals is being manipulative or even forceful. If the Lord only initially reveals it to one of the people He has ordained to be together, the recipient of the message should never take the revelation and go to the individual and say, “The Lord said you are my husband/wife.” While it is okay to reveal it while courting, it should never be used as a way to try to force or manipulate a person into a relationship with you because the person does not want to disobey the Lord. After all, Jesus said, ‘If ye love Me, keep My commandments.’ ~ John 14:15 (KJV) If the Lord reveals the person He has ordained for you, it is not your responsibility to go and tell the person. But rather, it is up to the Lord to reveal it to that person and your future interactions will help to confirm or deny whether you are operating in the Lord’s will.
I could make this very short but it is too important for me to abbreviate. If you believe you have heard from the Lord about Him having ordained a particular person for you as your spouse, there are certain protocols you should follow. Here are some ways to separate “the one” from God versus the devil’s counterfeits:
- Ensure you heard from the Lord instead of a seducing spirit, a devil sent to lead you and others astray. The devil knows that if he can deceive one person he can mislead generations, as was the case when he deceived Eve. In potential relationship, one deceived person immediately impacts four people. Ask the Lord for confirmation and then wait for it. Some people have received erroneous revelations from either the desires/idols of their heart or from a devil. Ask the Lord to confirm or deny the revelation (see Judges 6-7). If a person or marriage is an idol of your heart, it will make it difficult for you to receive correction from the Lord. If you do not heed the Word of the Lord, your efforts will eventually fail, which is why many Christian marriages get terminated in divorce court. I also recommend that you get confirmation independent of the potential spouse. You are most likely serving different gods if you receive different information regarding if the Lord has ordained the two of you to marry each other. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” ~ Amos 3:3 (KJV) The answer is resounding no! Sadly, many people have been deceived to the point of wasting years waiting for a relationship with a person that will never happen. Arguably, it is even worse when one person pursues another, thinking the individual is his/her God-ordained spouse, yet the person is clearly not interested. It is also a clear indication that a potential relationship is not of the Lord if one person believes he/she needs to make the other person his. The following Words of the Lord apply to the relationships He ordains: ‘Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit.’ ~ Zechariah 4:6 (KJV)
- If you are certain that the Lord confirmed the person is in fact the one, give the person to Him and take your hands off. Keep in mind that the Lord had promised Abraham a son, but after years of waiting, he took his wife’s awful suggestion to have a child with her servant. Do not create an “Ishmael” while waiting on your “Isaac”, the promise from the Lord. Also, the Lord did not deliver on His promise to Abraham until He later directly revealed it to Sarah, 24 years later (Genesis 17-18). That does not mean the Lord will tell the man first, but He will reveal His plans to both individuals either before they meet or at some point after. You have to wait for the Lord to tell the other person or you risk venturing into witchcraft. Do not pursue someone who the Lord has not prepared to receive you. When the Lord had finally blessed Abraham with Isaac, He later asked him to sacrifice his beloved son. Abraham was willing to comply and part ways with his son, forever (Genesis 22). If you are unwilling to part ways with the promise, your desire is for an idol instead of a spouse. Also, if you are not willing to wait on the Lord, your desire is for an idol instead of a spouse.
- The Lord will prepare both individuals and bring them together, in His timing. The way the Lord brought Rebekah to Isaac is a great example; even outsiders could tell that the Lord had ordained the relationship (Genesis 24). The way the Lord united Ruth with Boaz is another great example. It also demonstrates that the Lord will present a woman to a man, just like how He brought Eve to Adam.
- The Lord is a God of order. Men have the innate drive to pursue the woman he desires to marry. However, a Godly man, who is submitted to the Lord, will not pursue a woman until the Lord tells him to. So, if a woman is pursuing a man she is out of order and has ventured into what can be called “Jezebellion”. The Lord will present a woman to a man but it is the man who will pursue her. We see this when Naomi told Ruth to present herself to Boaz and then he pursued her (Ruth 2-4). A woman only needs to express an interest in a man once, and she should never try to pressure him to be in a relationship with her. One of the signs that a relationship is not of the Lord is the woman playing the masculine role by pursuing the man. Conversely, a man who is pursuing a woman who does not want to be pursued is also out of order. When the Amalekites had captured David’s family, he inquired of the Lord if he should pursue them, and if he would be successful (1 Samuel 30). He did not make a move until he received the Lord’s permission, so he received the Lord’s blessings. If you pursue someone and fail, you need to seek the Lord to see if you “jumped the gun”, or, if that was your wake-up call that you have been pursuing the wrong person.
- The Lord unites people for a purpose (Ruth 4), but there will be a mutual attraction, especially on a spiritual level (Ruth 2). If the attraction is not mutual, the potential relationship is not of the Lord. The Lord’s purpose is why God-ordained relationships come under so much attack, oftentimes before the two people even meet. Take note that shortly after the Lord told Abraham and Sarah that He was going to bless them with the promised child within a year, Sarah was taken into the king of Gerar’s harem (Genesis 20). But because the Lord had a promise to fulfill, He intervened. Abraham did not have to do anything; the Lord had made a promise and was going to ensure it came to pass. The Lord sustains what He ordains, which is why some marriages end in divorce, to include some that had been declared as being God-ordained. Moreover, the way Sarah was captured when she was on the verge of becoming pregnant with the Lord’s promise is the way the devil may attack your promise from the Lord. You need the Lord’s help to discern when he is directing you versus when the devil is trying to misdirect you.
- If you have multiple people approaching you claiming to be your God-ordained spouse, that is a major red flag. The Lord is not the author of confusion, but of peace. As a result, the Lord will give you His peace about the person He has selected for you, and there will only be one. The Lord’s peace transcends understanding. As a result, you may have an affinity for someone with a certain hair color but the Lord shows you a person with a different hair color. But because it is from the Lord, even though you may need time to let your preconceived notions go, the hair color won’t be a deal breaker as when you were operating out of your flesh. It is also a major red flag if you are confused about multiple people possibly being the person the Lord has ordained for you. The Lord will clear any confusion by revealing Himself in the both of you to each other. So, for example, you could be at a convention with 10,000 other people who all love Christ, but He may show you someone who seems more Christ like than anyone else. Some people have even observed a heavenly light around the person the Lord is illuminating to them. While one person can have an obsession for another person, which is unhealthy, the person the Lord shows you will become the standard-bearer so to speak. It is like the person is deposited into your heart and keeps others out. It takes a relationship with the Lord to determine if the feeling is because of a carnal obsession or a divine ordination. Again, one of the ways to discern is your willingness to hand the person and the situation over to the Lord and wait on Him to bring the two of you together.
- While the stories of Adam and Eve and Isaac and Rebekah getting married on the day they met is great, you need to take time to get to know the person you believe is your God-ordained spouse. You have to enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes it is so easy to spot two people who should never be together. When Jesus told the parable of the sower, He mentioned the various conditions that could impact the growth of the seed, which is the Word of God (Luke 8). Similarly, relationships can be like those conditions. Some people ended up with someone who took them away from the Lord’s purpose, like the birds (devils) that snatched the seeds. Some people are like the seeds on the rocks because the relationship starts off with potential but lacks depth to last. Other people are like the stifling thorns that keep the other person from ever truly growing into their Godly purpose. But when a person is in a Godly relationship, the fruits are evident and both people look like they are thriving. You can help to identify whether a person is a potential God-ordained spouse based on how the person impacts your relationship with the Lord. Anyone who comes to steal, kill, or destroy is a counterfeit from the devil.
- A person can claim to be your God-ordained spouse until the day he/she dies, but that does not mean it is a fact. Some people have been deceived while others are willing emissaries of the devil. Ensure you have a relationship with the Lord so you can hear from Him for yourself. You do not want to be the deceiver or be deceived. The Lord is not going to send someone to you who will be an idol to you or someone who will destroy your relationship with Him. Using the Lord’s name will only get a person so far. Most likely, the Lord will warn you about a person’s intentions beforehand. So please, ensure you are listening to the Lord and obeying Him instead of a forked tongue suitor. You will know people by their fruits and some people are using the Lord’s name to get into relationships while acting like the devil. If you outright reject a person claiming to be your gift from God, or tell the person that you need time to seek the Lord for yourself, but his/her reaction is ungodly, get away from that person. A person who does not respect you does not respect the Lord either. When you give something to the Lord and He wants you to have it, He will give it back to you. When you love the Lord, you will spend more time pursuing Him instead of a potential spouse
Whether you are a man or a woman, have nothing to do with a person who does not respect your boundaries, and especially someone who does not respect the Lord’s boundaries. You do not want to be in a relationship with a professing “God-ordained spouse” who does not respect you or your God. When the Lord plans and ordains something, He brings it to pass (Isaiah 55:8-11, 37:26, etc.). A person does not have to announce to you that the Lord said you are his/her God-ordained spouse. If you give the person a chance, even in a casual conversation in a group setting, the Lord will make His presence or His absence felt. I have heard people say they had no prior revelations from the Lord, but within 15 minutes of having a conversation with the person, they knew he/she was “the one”. The opposite is also true where it may be readily apparent that the person is not “the one”, and all that person can do from that point forward is to keep substantiating that revelation.
There are times when a person claims to be your God-ordained spouse, and the truth is, the person is desperate. The person knows the only chance he or she has of ever being in a relationship with you is to use your love for the Lord against you. When the Lord ordains a relationship, despite the struggles, it is like being in heaven on earth. However, a demonically arranged union is a living hell. You will know a person by his or her fruits, and one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit is longsuffering (patience). As a result, a person who receives such a revelation will demonstrate the requisite patience to wait on the Lord to confirm or deny the revelation to the other person, with no interference. And if the revelation is from the Lord, he/she will wait on the Lord for howsoever long He takes to bring things to pass. If a plane is coming in for a landing, and there are any obstacles in the way, the air traffic controller will either put the plane in a waiting pattern or reroute it. Air traffic control is responsible for getting the airplane to land and then get if off the active runway, and then ground control takes over and directs the plane to the gate. The Lord does all of that to bring two people together. As a result, sometimes the Lord may have you in a holding pattern to clear the way for you to approach the other person. If you do too soon, it will be disastrous.
Sadly, the devil likes to corrupt the things of the Lord. That is a part of why some people try to rush things by claiming to be another person’s God-ordained spouse, and then get offended when they get shot down or crash because they run out of fuel. The Lord sustains what He ordains. If the wrong plane gets to a gate, it will prevent the right plane from being able to get there. That is why some people are in a holding pattern, waiting for the opportunity to be with their God-ordained spouse. The devil may have temporarily disrupted things but the Lord’s will be done. Keep in mind that when king Abimelech had captured Sarah, the Lord did not allow him to go in unto her (Genesis 20:6). He was like the devil’s plane that was occupying Abraham’s gate so the Lord moved him out of the way.
By the way, if I had to patiently wait for three years to be able to post this, doesn’t it make sense to wait on the Lord to give you the clearance to pursue a relationship with someone? There are things I was inspired to add to this that I would have had a hard time believing if I had not witnessed them myself. Some of you will be shocked to hear what your God-ordained spouse has been through before getting to you. In some cases, you missed the opportunity to be together in the past so the Lord had to bring the plane around for another landing. Unfortunately, when that happens, that flight gets pushed to the back of the flight order. So while you attended a wedding or two as a bridesmaid/groomsman, you had been in line to be a bride/groom at the time. Do not allow the devil to snatch the seeds away from you or your future spouse. When you pray for your future spouse, ask the Lord to prevent the person from being deceived and even illegally detained by the devil via one of his counterfeits. Jacob worked seven years to be with his beloved Rachel but was deceived into being with Leah instead (Genesis 29). Whether you are a man or a woman, do not sit back and let a “Leah” (man or woman) get to your “Jacob” (man or woman) before you. Pray for the person the Lord has ordained for you to marry, especially since the devil may have people praying against that future marriage.
Social Aloe Ministries: “Glorifying God. Exposing the devil.”